totally fucked.

This is what i do know. I've made a lot of mistakes this year. too many in fact. and I think i've lost myself along the way. I used to know how to be a good friend, a good boyfriend. I used to know how much was too much and when i wasn't giving enough. Now I don't speak my mind like i used to, i'm constantly way too into my life to help friends out and i have NO CLUE how to date anymore. I used to talk EVERYTHING out that was bothering me. Communication is key i'd say. to everyone.

too many mistakes to name. and people are right though. I can't keep holding back and being scared to move foward because of what has happened in previous relationships. but because of the way all my relationships have ended, what is there to look forward to? the same unhappy ending? the attempt at a dismal ephemeral friendship?

so i do what i do best this year. when it gets complicated. I sabotage and bail. I've lost myself trying to fit us into a definition. (and tried in vain to take control of the situation.) I've lost my morals in drunken nights. I've hurt the man that I want to be with, only finding that i wanted to be with him after hooking up with someone else; hesitantly accepting then graciously declining tempting offers from wrong people. I find that i'm looking for answers in very wrong places. and my conscious is eating away at me. its now 454 in the morning and i'm wide awake shaking because of guilt, sleep deprivation, indigestion, and most of all longing. longing to make everything better, longing to be back in your arms. What have i done?

We are only human. wasn't the 2nd chance invented because we unavoidable make mistakes. unfortunately i've made some unwise choices and am trying to make up for whats happened. how though? what can i do to make this better? give you time? space? can trust ever be built again?

what scares me is maybe i haven't changed since high school. maybe i'm still that scared little boy who can't maintain a functional relationship. I can't be though. I've grown WAY too much and have learned so much from each dysfunctional relationship.

All i know is that the parties over. I'm sick of blacking out and not remembering parts of the night. i'm sick of not singing or performing, i'm sick of hiding behind my closed door or behind my apron at work. i'm sick of being scared of my talent. and i'm sure as hell tired of not moving forward and letting go of the past. my past. the past me. Its time to close that door and open a new one. begin a new chapter, turn a new leaf. It's time to grow the fuck up Jesse.


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