I will be.

my dress rehearsal last night went really well. i few word mix ups like always but its all good.

my life sorta flashed before me in the shower this morning. i'm fine. i'm healthy. i've done some stupid unsafe stuff that i'm not proud of. little things kept flashing through my mind. scalding water. tears. sigh. happy. laugh. LAUGH. fuck. its alll good.

other things have been becoming clear. things are falling into place and an understanding of where i fit in and matter... and even don't matter, are finally sinking in. every insecurity has vanished. i sound like i'm on drugs. well sorta. but for real. just lots of awakenings.

HEROES WAS AMAZINGGGG!!

My Junior Recital!!!

NOT a fan.

rules, regulations, lines, borders whatever, they need to be set because they were crossed or broken, choose your own metaphor whatev. maybe mixing the ex with the current isn't the best idea. disrespected in my own room. i had to bite my tongue and step on my own foot to stop myself from letting anything come out. one, get out of my room. two get out of my room. three, PLEASE disrespect me AND my roomate and four get out of my room. i had my tequila for the night and i apologized for overreacting. but i don't owe anything to anyone. sorry for over reacting , its ok can i still come? yeah i'm overdramatic. NOT a fan. we'll work through it though. we always do. channeling a seafish.

still not finding any recital clothes. why can't we have an h&m around here?? recital recital recital. she LOVED the edges number and Anytime. It felt really good singing with Meg, Chris, and Yenna. We sound a lot better than last year. i'm really excited. very nervous. a bit sick. kinda fat. hmmm. Carl and I have started QAF night. YAY.

i wish i was a genetically-enhanced super soldier spliced with feline DNA and a bar code on my neck. THEN i would show people who's boss.

running around in circles

1st things 1st. recital date changed YET again. ugh. you're killing me poulenc.

Patterns, circles, spirals. right back at the beginning. square one. again and again. i feel like all i'm doing is running around and around going right back to the place i DON'T want to be. i can't help but feel constantly replaced again and again by something "better". and maybe i'm holding myself up too high. it has nothing to do with replacing. it just still is weird. it bothers. itches. hurts. and thats only one of the reasons i pull away. i pull away from everyone when they get involved. i can't help it. and maybe thats the best thing for me right now. to deal. i DO have to worry about me. i can't figure out why this gets to me so much sometimes. a power struggle within myself, that i'm definitely tired and worn out from fighting. however i'm not the only one pulling away. finding themselves. yet again. everyone might be tired of reading hearing listening about this. well i'm WAY more tired of it. why am i writing about it then....you might ask. just trying to make sense of what is JESSE. can some one explain him to me?? i'd love to know.

some talented bitches.

Recitals. UHmazing. These 2 wonderful women have grown so much over this year. i'm so proud and was blown away by their performances. as nova would say. BRAVA.

needy bitch

study party at Liz Tuckers! whoot theory.
recital?, french, diction, memorization, tests, no time. AHHH. a few breakdowns. overwhelmed.
take two. take two. well i did and i feel fucked. its happening. i constantly feel like i have no idea whats happening around me anymore. the pills are making me loopy. fruit loopy.

ugh i wanna go up and hug him and let him know that this is just how i deal. but again i don't want to get involved. its not about me nor does it involve me. ya know Robin never brought home different guys, always Franko. Maria or Jasmine have never introduced me to their many boys. its new and truthfully...a little uncomfortable. but hes right. you're right. bask in this i don't say that often :) i can't let this make me back up from everything. i wish i knew how to do these things or to deal with them in the most effective way. without screaming out "I'm a needy bitch!" for real though. i don't need or want anything. i guess i just need to breathe. take a deep breath and. let it go.

WEE MEE

i love sushi and dragons. and the beach.

we never had to talk talk TALK...

he said, HE SAID.
lies, warped truth. gimmie gimme. more.
Hit me where it hurts...or...well...used to hurt. talk talk TALK.
where is the answer to our unhappy ending? does it really matter anymore. sober.
think think think. no. no, it doesn't. I've already sung that tune. over and over. songs over and done. I've moved on. why apply a band aid to an already healed scar? 9 months ago...so many things have changed since then. for the best.

I've learned a lot about my friends and friendship in general this year. They are and will always be a huge part of who i am. what i am. and what it comes down to it, we're all we've got. and I've realized, no matter how far away they are, whether I see them everyday in class, have done a program with them or just people who I haven't talked to in forever because of whatever reason. I've realized that I'm made up of hand prints, laughter, tears, fights, parties, pictures, drunken craziness, support, kindness, strength and love that these weird crazy lovable people have given me. WE owe it to ourselves when stupid fucked up shit happens between us to talk, reconnect, cry, hold on to each other, to pick up the broken pieces work it out, put it back together and move on.