Key West

catch up! jazzed. keywested out. night hops bar hops, quizzo. Monkey's with a gun. rumrunners, queen out. gay bars, i can say i went to keywest and made out with a stripper. hot. tattoos, wings. friends. duval street, drag queen bar with my mother. palm trees, snorkeling, DOLPHINOS! and the baby dolphins. sooo cute. remind me to show you what the baby did. i do great dolphin impersonations. kyaking for HOURS. bonding with robin. i agree with eva, sibling love is good for the soul. key lime mojitos.

today...Chris' jazzz cafe with lynn and jon. ha. great band. amazing drummer. capagiro gelato. fucking amazing. banana's foster and mocha. mmm. more painting tomorrow. in the middle of reading the power of the actor by ivana chubbuck. VERY good book. i like her method a lot. jasmine just left. i love that girl.

so happy about dreamgirls. :) so gay.

not so bad...

suprisingly the talk didn't end up with us bleeding. ohhh rollinnnngggg.......and suprisingly i didn't make out with anyone although sooomeeee peoplllee made out. ha. I just don't understand self homophobia. and then to act on it? boggles. share my bed please then move on in for the unexpected kill. now i understand how it feels to be betrayed by a friend. i understand. BUt I felt bad after, i hurt myself over it. I bet he feels absolutely nothing. except possible guilt. I never knew that he wanted him. whatevs. SO over cabbage patches. i don't wanna drag myself into that again.

I'm glad i got this off my mind now, its not something that i worry about anymore. speaking my drunk high mind allowed me to let go of the last string. unfurl my wings. they are featheryyyyy.

I been on this kick to find out more about my biological parents for some reason. roots. i think it would ground me more. i'd like to plant my feet on solid ground and know where and who i came from. hmm.

look who got the best of karma.

new beginnings, endings. 22. blah. can anyone say KARMA. who can say. Uncensored. who said it was ok for you to walk back in my life. you're not invited. you get the message. who knows? you certainly don't and won't, can't take responsibility for your actions or see the outcome. i called this. where is the person i knew? gone. doesn't exist anymore. you left. i accepted i was dispensable to you and i've moved on. i'd talk but we'd just talk in circles you blame me i blame you and we end up slitting our wrists together. sorry you're in a bad place. i don't care. things can't be ok cause you haven't done anything to make me ever trust you. Its obvious why you've tryed walking back in. and don' t think this is anything i wouldn't ever say to your face. come in here and and i'd go off. neither of us want to. i'm just an ex. i want things to be ok i do, but can you step up? is it worth it. who knows. i don't know. i can't know, i'm done i'm numb. punch the wall, i don' t feel it anymore. Why do i keep hurting myself? I'm not the one causing me pain. channel it somewhere else. my strength is wavering. i don' t know how much longer. I can't wait for break. tanning in the keys. ooommmggg cannn'ttt waiiiitt...

and scene.

thankful

Thanksgiving. what am I thankful for? I'm thankful for having an incredibly supportive family, crazy beautiful friends and a safe place to learn and to grow. Break was good, but not long enough. I felt like I spread myself thin trying to reconnect with everyone at home. I picked Carl up from the Philadelphia Airport the day after thanksgiv. We pretty much rock. alot.


transitions again. within one. Not really sure where it's going. i just feel like i'm in the middle of something. I've rebuilt my castle and the walls stand strong (gay haha.)
It was good explore the world of pain in my session today. yes. jesse is quite psycho. :)

pain, loss, we all deal with it in different ways, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some choose to ignore it and bottle it up isolating themselves from the rest of the world, some turn to new lovers, old lovers, rebounds, sex and hookups for the moment, some cry, some punch walls, some drown. and then some learn, grow, laugh and remember the good times. Then eventually heal and move on. cheers.

isn't this better?

betrayer, betrayed. a guilty conscious hurts everyone. tried to find my way home, way too crossfaded. lost. just when i thought i couldn't hit rock bottom. so many recitals, so little time. 3 fabulous senior women have come so far. party party. I can't wait for thanksgiving. mmmm the best cranberry sauce EVER. i love playing with text color. i'm so ADD. ha. 22 soon. another year. so different. SO different... isn't this better?

patterns

i've been thinking about patterns, patterns i don't fall into. other people do. its nice to sit back, disconnect and watch. reruns. Lifes a show and we all play a part. same old same old. the wall feels my wrath. i don't bruise easily anymore. i did last year. throw me against the wall and blame me for the lashing i give myself. drink mystery punch. drunken punches thrown. FREEZE. My all is more than enough. blinded by the sweet sunshine. never a waste though. learn. step back wild child. take a good look at me now. FRESH.

Where to go now? SWEAT? didn't mean to laugh at Nova. sorry, no time, no money for that. Manhattan maybe. what direction? i don't even know if i have the support of my parents right now. dancing, not my thing. i DO know my weaknesses. training. training. absorbing.
still not feeling it. maybe i will tomorrow. my aurora supports me only so much. I've never EVER been this angry.

NO MORE

done and DONE. power, i have it. no more tears, no more roller coasters, no more screw ups, no more talks, no more mind games, no more love, no more feelings, no more drama, no more lies. no more. HA. numb. feel my face, i don't feel it. injected with lies that burn then allow the change and healing to begin. truth. sculpted. made. found. I had fun. he didn't. too worried about who than what. and scene. it was over before it began. What would david do? what would carter do? what would buffy or veronica do? no. it can't be like that. i'm alone. standing on my own two feet. when it comes down to it no support. the only person who will always be there for me is me. its the truth and its wonderful to admit, to accept. what would Jesse do? it's what i ask now. its my daily check up. and its 100% correct. tell me i'm wrong. i'll fight you. *grins*

whats my line part one.

oh buff. scene work with with alyssa has been so much fun but a lot of work. I feel really comfortable working with her. pregame @ mergins. shot glasses light up. HOT. halloween party, lost my horns. flushed one of them. made out with some boy. whhaatevvv. good times good times. i mean i was so sober. can you tell. rehearsal the next day. woke up two minutes before. holler. dancing, kill me now. I'd rather be sailing. its working slowly. slowwwllyyy.

moving foward.

i'm catching up. yess. no. maybe. so. could be. who knows. balls in my court. wanna play. interactions upfront. no longer ignored. admitting its there. whatev. you care. do you. have you forgotten so easily. the pain, the love, the passion. wake up and forget me. i don't believe it. a few weeks before i mattered. i was important. the most. i guess i'm now dispensable. i agree. you left. you struck out. i owe you nothing. NOTHING. and it feels so good. i don't remember you. i don't remember you. BTVS. she makes the world better one vampire at a time. maria and i must be psychic or psycho. we amend at the same time. same place 3 hours apart at the same time. huwah?. talk talk talk to me. craving sunshine. hop off the tracks. eat breakfast. cuddle me. wake up late. again. its different. skip class, reset my clock. alarm. beep beep beep beeeep. fuck off. don't open the door all the way. sure was akward. we both said it, still connected. blah blah blah blah blah. psh. whatev. gnight.

5x5...

its how i roll these days. i hate when people bring stupid shit up. whatever. its not awkward or anything. It's someone elses turn to feel dispensable. many layers...i feel like a crazy psycadelic cake. many layers. diet pepsi has turned my life around. mmm. i really didn't want to come back here after this weekend. i just didn't want to stop hugging my dad. sing alongs, apple crisp. I guess i've never felt so supported by my family....EVER. A constant support. but its a crutch. ALONE. studying alone, getting shit done. didn't get to do that last year. smothered. save as draft. publish post. meaningless blobbbbs. isn't it crazy how slaying always makes you hungry and horny?

strike 4....?Who cares?

its done though. i swear. for real this time. lol. MESS. This weekend. crazy fun. the choir concert went well. except when the harp, organ and choir were in 4 different keys. Hopes. drink one. apple orchard, pumpkins, apple cider slushy, tara's. slumber parties, trying to find my lobster. buffy marathon. away. don't go there. uggh. (the pic - after a drink spilled. hehe) i feel like i'm torn in two, part of me willing and ready to let go and then theres the fucked part that still gives a shit. everythings fine, its not ok. This is my happy ending. This is my happy ending. This is my happy ending. i wish it were that black and white. ugh. 6 hot ass devils for halloween. can't wait.

decrowned

i put down the hammer, i'm tired of getting hurt. slowly growing a tougher skin, a taller wall, sturdy. stop trying to understand. just collect data. watch and learn. just keep swimming. I found a poem that i wrote this summer, it doesn't matter anymore. no longer royal. decrowned. The Baker's Wife....what a ho. the baker should have never taken her back. Alcohol, i love that Nova talked about it in acting. give give give give give. take from me, keep trying to please, need to sit back and take something in drugs drugs drunks sip chug snort swallow. whatev control that i waver. i don't care what you think. tired. i just don't care anymore. i don't.

Nova: I can smell vodka from a mile away....
Carl to me: Can she smell our room?

undecided, uninterested, not caring, slightly numb. has it kicked in yet? it's snowing where they are. magical snow. its freezing outside, inside. my feet are cold. my hands feel like theres no blood in them. i manage to keep warm at night. kick in, kick in. falling back into fucked patterns. an uncontrollable desire. who's using who. i keep forgetting, i gotta help myself. gotta take my own serving and for once dish it out. what the fuck. alone at last. free. easier is only making me want more highs. its over. 3 strikes, i'm out.

i bought shoes today....ha. shoes just help. i never realized that. they make feet happy. and comfortable. and they look pretty. I had a really good talk with nanny tonight. I think we both needed to go out and just walk around and talk. good times. baskin robbins turtle coffee shake things also generally make things better. phone with the Devine. Angela is pretty much the hottest sweater i've ever met. It's been a positive experience reconnecting with people who i basically put on the back burner last year. I have to do me. "Sometimes these things make you really cling to your art and things you love and give you an extra passion." - Colin. I mean thats my silver lining. and its true. Perspective put in place. I've never worked like this before, i've never sung like this before. i'ts flowing, but when i'm not busy, it hurts. keep busy. keep working, keep singing, keep laughing, keep living. drugged? will my passion cease? All of this emoting. overwhelming, wasted, unwanted, overused, powerful, useful. I don't have time. choices. fuck.

I need a key to start me in the morning, to get me going....dead heat. exaustion. sick. dramatic. it begins. they just keep coming. I'm out of biodiesel. so strong, so strong, so weak and tired. I've driven myself into the ground. sick, sporadic, out of control. i'm gripping at nothing. I want to leave. I can't stay here. Already, i've been through too much. It's unreal and unwanted. have you ever slammed your finger with a hammer? really hard so that it turns purple? it takes time to heal, to stop swelling, for the bruise to fade. And we don't deny the pain.... but what if we do? what if we keep using the hand and instead of letting it heal? what if we keep ripping open the wound only to let it bleed more? time. time. time. time. time. give it time. i don't have time. I have to keep using that fucked up hand. i HAVE to pretend that its ok. But what happens when you supress and deny? It comes back double fold.

Memory painter...paint me something pretty and dark. Something to hang up next to my tainted pastel paintings. The canvas. everyone. The summer, NYC, Broadway Bares, gaudy sparkles and feathers, drunk wet colors, out for drinks, asian dining, the last time. Longacre, the farm. bright colors. smiling faces. support, friendship, community. The parties, Take 2 - multi -colored balloons, liquor, sarah silverman, lots of food, my closest friends, color it black out. maria, laura ruthie, reut. long beach island, the beach at night. sandy textures, bright sunlight hangovers, i'm totally distracted i forget what i was talking about, candles, freestyling. bodyslammed. relationships begining, ending, evolving. but...how would someone paint me? swirly disconnected patterns. the color of love, red tinted with black. with a splash of vodka. drink me, i give too much.

The reason is gone. it doesn't make sense. things have been figured out. as always i'm left in the dark. but i think i've figured it all out. I think i have. All one EVER needs is love. It will always work out. people don't fall out of love; its not possible, its always worth fighting for and if you fight hard enough you will win.

bitter... can you tell?

light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather stiff as a board. i guess i was too obese. it worked in the craft. psh.

Vak's bday dinner @ sotto. We had to wait sooooo long for a table. many pictures. good times. their food is very tasty. the garlic knots = love. Jessye's bday drinkathon at A&B. G&T my drink of choice last night.

I found a new show, which is gonna be the death of me, i don't do much work anyways. Heroes. Download the 2nd episode "Don't Look Back" on iTunes. I'm still trying to find the first. It looks pretty good though. not as good as Veronica Mars though. The new season has started and i'm already lost. Don't mess with the bull.

My parents are still in maine. I called them today, Big Lynn picks up...."heyy!! we're on top of a mountain in Acadia National Park..."
"well i'm glad you have service there." they are so random.

deal. just deal. it's how i'm dealing. ignore it, me, i have to to heal. trying to gain my balance, i'm slowly finding solid ground. i can't dance through life. i wish i could. I can't pretend that nothings wrong, that i don't hurt, that i don't feel. i'm STILL reeling, i can't cut the tie of 9. 9 a long and functional number. no ties of 10 11 12 or 1. I hate this. I don't do well with anger. i don't understand the next move. is there middle ground? The rubble remains and I'm slowly rebuilding. something new. like a honduran hut. just made for monkeys. everyone else excluded. A drink, or two. no emotional bullshit. a month of laughing at other people. a control that was found. that can be sustained. slowly getting better. hmmm....

Where to begin? where to end? i don't know who to trust. what to believe. My biggest pet peeve. lies. don't. lie. to. me. I know some truth. It doesn't have to be this way. make it better. I can't cry. i feel the pressure, almost there a few tears, a few tears. I feel overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I've been FEELING at everyone. Do you feel me? ugh. i love longacre. hah. everything is overflowing into the I don't give a shit pile in my mind. What is truth? This hurts like fuck. EMBRACE IT. What can I say, the people who have had all of me generally love to fuck me over in the end. morbid much? Get over it. This definately makes it easier.

I wish i was veronica. she'd know what to do.

X-ray the sky. the clouds are shaped like animals. look at the camel kneeling, and the barge. haha. rays brighten the edges. a silver lining? wheres mine?

I sang in studio. I'ts hard to Speak my Heart from Parade. It's scary singing in front of all opera people. I got a lot of good feedback from that. A lot of emotion, they said. well its all i have right now.

I needed to go home. needed to get away from here for a night. My parents noticed a change in me while we were talking over dinner. I would have to agree that I have been in many transitions these past few weeks. balence. I need to find it. It's hard for me to deal with change and everyday I have some new awakening that changes everything. I'm still trying to understand everything that is thrown at me on a daily basis.

Old friends, new friends...who can i overwhelm next? i feel like all i have to offer right now to people is emotional baggage.

I hate you heart.

Theory-- i just don't get it. i'm gonna fail this class...... ugh.
A.A meetings... not the place for me. Booze has not made my life unmanagable. A control that needs to be found. Dont' lie and tell me you didn't think I was out of control. I'll let it slide. Stand still. need to find balence. roadblocks. truthfully if i hold on to what I wish and want right now i'll drown. Great covo tonight. I feel awake for once. enough daydream endless nights.

It's been weird being back. so many relationships to fumble through. we reconnect with questions that basically ask, who are you? and Where have you been? Identity hasn't come foward with a problem with me since middle school. I feel little and in 8th grade again. finding myself.

rain. haven't smoked for a while. GO see URSULA and pay 2 dollars.