the looking glass

it goes beyond the reflection. I can't seem to get behind the glass. My fingertips glide over the cool smooth fingers of the young boy in his backwards world. he copies my every move as if we were one, but we are two. his eyes are empty, guarded and flighty. He can't look into my eyes and i wonder why. he looks hurt, broken, he has walls. He backs up and we look at each other. his clothes are too big, sleeves too long, jeans ripped at the bottom. i sigh and his shoulders slump forward. we turn both turn away.

I don't know that boy.

Say Goodbye to the Old and Welcome the New...

“who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? it’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event –big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. what’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.” - grey's anatomy

Battlefield. stars. camera. lesbian flashlights. new friends. Facebook me. Halloween. Kiss me i'm drunk and dressed like Harry. Movie. kiss me again. Are we moving too fast? how can that question be answered when neither of us know what we want? Dance with me. We are where we are. Day by day. moment to moment. We both aren't ready and have our plates full.

Maybe i open up too fast to people... Messy messy Jesse. Pull on the reins, don't look back. move foward. Maybe this is why i'm not ready. too raw. I need new skin that won't let people get underneath it. I can't help the random welcome mat in front of my heart. I know there were two metaphors there. ADD can't help it. on another note. C# to be exact, welcoming in the new has let me once and for all say goodbye to the old.

LOVE katie thompson. sang gurl.

tappin' out.

invincible....

we think we are. we're not. a westminster student died yesterday morning.it was one of us. we sang. we all sang and held hands. choir was a mess. FUCK the press, FUCK the helicopters. i sat next to him a few times in composition. he was a alive. here. and now he's gone. all i keep thinking about how he's never gonna brush his teeth again or tie his shoes or laugh, or cry. life can be taken away in an instant. an entire world gone. death is looming over the campus. may he find peace. it's knocked a lot of sense into me. the desires to try new substances have been stamped. find a new high. like frolicking in the battlefields at night with new friends. the stars. the air.
i've never felt so mortal, so HUMAN. we all feel that invincibility at times, like something like this could never happen to us. but it can, it did. RIP justin.

wake the fuck up

Perspective. refreshed. I've stopped pessimissing everywhere. I'm not that guy that won't find love. I just need to stop looking and let it find me.
LBR WAKE UP REALITY CHECK
the one thing i hate about those is how condescending she gets. just talk to me as another adult. I'm not four. [even though i may look it] I heard everything she said and shes right. I'm not working hard enough with my voice. [or school for that matter but lets not board that sinking ship]
"check your posture"
"sorry"
Mommy and Daddy came this past weekend. I have a new beautified room that i've been nesting in for the last 3 days. I love my stars.
"I don't ever want to remind you again to BREATHE"
neither do i....

Reality Bites.

diet pepsi max has more caffine? maybe thats why i'm so perky today" - Nova

I feel like i'm constantly climbing up thought ladders in the harmonies of life only to find empty bottles. HAHA thought ladders.

Oceans of emotions make me feel so gross and create to much drama in my life. Feeling at people again. Sorry i'm sorry so sorry.

Slap me into reality outta my fantasy. no ones coming. you'll find someone don't worry you're such a great guy....STOP!

What if i don't find anyone. what if he doesn't exist? Reality. I'm young, impatient but time isn't going any slower. Reality. ever since i was in middle school i knew i'd eventually settle down have a wonderful long career, 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl, a loving crazy super and sometimes stupid husband...its all dreams. wishes. Reality bites. I feel alone. and i HATE it.

ready to be ready.

back. here. again. senior. i'm not afraid. ok maybe a little. coming back has been...interesting to say the least. My room is already home though. Big Lynn would probably say "it looks like a cyclone hit your room... or what a pig sty...." its always about connections when we get back. for everyone. testing the waters. how was your summer? and yours? hug. kiss. drink. laugh. break the ice. and then leaving people back at home. unfinished business. not ready for it to end. for it to begin. not ready. but then again. i've never been so ready. i hope i can hold onto everything i've learned this summer.

end of the summer party. SO many people. waiting for the pictures to come up in the mini feed. i know you all are. ha.

my friends update: Monica and Chandler got engaged. I wanna be engaged.

reflect

intoxicated. who would have guessed. 2 tests. kill me. soo early. for real who is awake this early and WHY? carlo rossi. 2 buck chuck you do me well. "old maid" seems to be my theme song along with "soda shop" and "half boyfriend" can't stop listening to them. 'ohh god don't let me, live and die alooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeee.' its so hard to not connect to that song.

i miss new york. going out. barhopping club jumping? um. i felt so free there and feel WAY cooped up here. went completely broke there but whatev. miss the msm bitches for real. here's to you all.

once upon a time...

aren't those supposed to be new beginnings...? well this one sucks so far. new boys. new drama. 26 years old and i'm already falling into a trap. shouldn't you be over this phase. you think i'm playing but i'm testing the waters. trusting isn't number one on my list right now. if you're looking for more than a fuck, then prove it. TALK to me. ironic, cause right now you're all talk.

angela's pool party. drunk swimming eh baby eh baby. anthony. same old page. next day. 35 minutes turned into 4 hours. njersey. 50 dollars. mcdonalds. kill me. ugh. good times.

epiphany

flashes, hot flashes.
MSM - still processing. step step hop fuhlap ball change.
I talked to Bevin the otherday. same page, still processing. reeling.

Pushed. beyond limits. confused, why do i have to prove myself? sit the fuck back down. everythings ok. Thank you. Jesse Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying about what? WTF?
MAD. Prove. Confused again. WHAT? what...I've been lying to myself...
I'm vulnerable. not as strong as I front. I didn't even know i had a front. realization. hot tears. i get it. i get it. I miss you. and thats ok.
July 18th 2007 wasn't sure if it would hurt. it was a great day. one year. free.

lazy tony day

last night - 2 pitchers of margaritas, porn shop game,long subway rides, shut eye til 1 today...diner, 2 eggs, rye toast, cornbeef hash, orange juice. shop. harry potter chamber of secrets. can't wait for the new one. yawn. procrastinate, its what i'm best at. follow the spiders ron and harry. amara's laughing. bevin's typing. hmm tap tomorrow. itchy leg. sleepy blue couch. phone call. pizza, harry potter and the goblet of fire, tonys, laundry. lazzyyyy tony sunday.


conflicted. as always. maybe she's right. maybe it would be better. for me. o where for art thou? for fuckin real already. lol. i was patient and then it took too long. anya puts it best.

sometimes its on the surface, the skin, hot & sweaty, the intoxicating rush and plummeting thrill. the danger, the hunt. sometimes i try digging deeper, not finding anything but old roots that are forbidden to unearth. sometimes nothing is there at all. empty shells surround me. trying to find it in the wrong places. it. it. that. all wrong. theres no time. yet all there is is time. conficted. drop it. let go. its breakable i reply unsure of myself. i find myself again and again. right where i started. shit. for real?

MSM

2nd Week into the Manhattan School of Music Professional Music Theatre Workshop. Things are getting pretty intense here. The faculty has really inspired me to do my best work. Classes with Paul Gemignani have been informing, intense, emotional and eye opening. I really don't even know how to put into words what i'm feeling right now. I saw Mary Poppins with Ashley Brown (fierce btw) and 110 in the Shade. Audra is def my #1 hero right now.

ON the 1. sippin jamba


Me and Amara in H&M


Me Matty and Anna.

ps Matty snores. UGH.

danced out.

ok so i lied to my parents about where i was going last night. not to Laura's but to latin night at woody's hahah. i totally felt like a majority last night. hmm.... i haven't danced that much since music man rehearsals ugghh....i learned some new dances though from Andre. okkkk...so lets talk about my insecurities cause i realize i have a lot and they come out when i drink. i generally flirt with anyone who shows any interest or gives me the time of day. APALLING. THAT has to stop. ha. it was good to see a few familiar faces and to meet some new people, but i still walked away feeling like clubbing isn't really my scene unless i'm with a bunch of my friends and for only a few hours not the whole night.

schools out, it was sad to leave. auditioned at manhattan school of music for the theatre program. senior showcase = love. soo talented. i love and will miss them all. phone rings door chimes in comes my acceptance phone call to the program! i'm so excited.
SPLASH - music theatre night. fun until about 1 am. drunk people. stupid drama. small nap at cris' apartment up at 5. subway. train. dinky. walk 93185704857 blocks to d lot. car. sleeeeeepppp at Aaron's. car, njtransit, r7. car. HOME.

ahhhhhh. i got a job through Julia at Botanical Expressions. how gayyyyy. its a cute lil store. fun people. planting, delivering, water. deadhead. RICH ASS CLIENTS. beautiful houses. i don't want to steal from the houses i just want to walk around and roll around in their house. jump on the beds and peek in their fridge. dreams are dreams jesse. :)

ok, nuff posting, Jasmine's on her way to pick me up......Atlantic City HERE I COME!!!

I will be.

my dress rehearsal last night went really well. i few word mix ups like always but its all good.

my life sorta flashed before me in the shower this morning. i'm fine. i'm healthy. i've done some stupid unsafe stuff that i'm not proud of. little things kept flashing through my mind. scalding water. tears. sigh. happy. laugh. LAUGH. fuck. its alll good.

other things have been becoming clear. things are falling into place and an understanding of where i fit in and matter... and even don't matter, are finally sinking in. every insecurity has vanished. i sound like i'm on drugs. well sorta. but for real. just lots of awakenings.

HEROES WAS AMAZINGGGG!!

My Junior Recital!!!

NOT a fan.

rules, regulations, lines, borders whatever, they need to be set because they were crossed or broken, choose your own metaphor whatev. maybe mixing the ex with the current isn't the best idea. disrespected in my own room. i had to bite my tongue and step on my own foot to stop myself from letting anything come out. one, get out of my room. two get out of my room. three, PLEASE disrespect me AND my roomate and four get out of my room. i had my tequila for the night and i apologized for overreacting. but i don't owe anything to anyone. sorry for over reacting , its ok can i still come? yeah i'm overdramatic. NOT a fan. we'll work through it though. we always do. channeling a seafish.

still not finding any recital clothes. why can't we have an h&m around here?? recital recital recital. she LOVED the edges number and Anytime. It felt really good singing with Meg, Chris, and Yenna. We sound a lot better than last year. i'm really excited. very nervous. a bit sick. kinda fat. hmmm. Carl and I have started QAF night. YAY.

i wish i was a genetically-enhanced super soldier spliced with feline DNA and a bar code on my neck. THEN i would show people who's boss.

running around in circles

1st things 1st. recital date changed YET again. ugh. you're killing me poulenc.

Patterns, circles, spirals. right back at the beginning. square one. again and again. i feel like all i'm doing is running around and around going right back to the place i DON'T want to be. i can't help but feel constantly replaced again and again by something "better". and maybe i'm holding myself up too high. it has nothing to do with replacing. it just still is weird. it bothers. itches. hurts. and thats only one of the reasons i pull away. i pull away from everyone when they get involved. i can't help it. and maybe thats the best thing for me right now. to deal. i DO have to worry about me. i can't figure out why this gets to me so much sometimes. a power struggle within myself, that i'm definitely tired and worn out from fighting. however i'm not the only one pulling away. finding themselves. yet again. everyone might be tired of reading hearing listening about this. well i'm WAY more tired of it. why am i writing about it then....you might ask. just trying to make sense of what is JESSE. can some one explain him to me?? i'd love to know.

some talented bitches.

Recitals. UHmazing. These 2 wonderful women have grown so much over this year. i'm so proud and was blown away by their performances. as nova would say. BRAVA.

needy bitch

study party at Liz Tuckers! whoot theory.
recital?, french, diction, memorization, tests, no time. AHHH. a few breakdowns. overwhelmed.
take two. take two. well i did and i feel fucked. its happening. i constantly feel like i have no idea whats happening around me anymore. the pills are making me loopy. fruit loopy.

ugh i wanna go up and hug him and let him know that this is just how i deal. but again i don't want to get involved. its not about me nor does it involve me. ya know Robin never brought home different guys, always Franko. Maria or Jasmine have never introduced me to their many boys. its new and truthfully...a little uncomfortable. but hes right. you're right. bask in this i don't say that often :) i can't let this make me back up from everything. i wish i knew how to do these things or to deal with them in the most effective way. without screaming out "I'm a needy bitch!" for real though. i don't need or want anything. i guess i just need to breathe. take a deep breath and. let it go.

WEE MEE

i love sushi and dragons. and the beach.

we never had to talk talk TALK...

he said, HE SAID.
lies, warped truth. gimmie gimme. more.
Hit me where it hurts...or...well...used to hurt. talk talk TALK.
where is the answer to our unhappy ending? does it really matter anymore. sober.
think think think. no. no, it doesn't. I've already sung that tune. over and over. songs over and done. I've moved on. why apply a band aid to an already healed scar? 9 months ago...so many things have changed since then. for the best.

I've learned a lot about my friends and friendship in general this year. They are and will always be a huge part of who i am. what i am. and what it comes down to it, we're all we've got. and I've realized, no matter how far away they are, whether I see them everyday in class, have done a program with them or just people who I haven't talked to in forever because of whatever reason. I've realized that I'm made up of hand prints, laughter, tears, fights, parties, pictures, drunken craziness, support, kindness, strength and love that these weird crazy lovable people have given me. WE owe it to ourselves when stupid fucked up shit happens between us to talk, reconnect, cry, hold on to each other, to pick up the broken pieces work it out, put it back together and move on.

One Night Only...again

his chest rises and falls now at a steady pace.
the fire carries over still smoldering.
his heart thumps gently in my ear. I smile as he
twitches an itch on his nose. My sleeping beauty.
traced hearts on his neck and chest, my pinky explores
familiar territory. my mark left, branded. I've
conquered this body before as he has conquered mine.
He shifts and pulls me closer with a satisfied grunt.
safe. warmth. sleep.
cold. aware.
My eyes slowly open and reality sets in. alone between
the sheets. he's gone. we go back to our lives as friends.
avoiding eyes, mumbled hellos, "forgotten" nights.
we could never be.

madpassionatecrazymonkeyfire

slapped in the face with a hand i didn't know existed. empty tears swell. wtf. never been in this position before. and i LOVE different positions. flip the script and understand. high cry. swept away. ask me ask me. i'm fine. i swear.

i've figured things out. a little. ha. i don't NEED to find the man of my dreams now. i mean if i do HOLLER. but it would be nice to find the man of my reality, the man of my NOW now. and who knows how long that will last but i like having company, security, friendship and something to chew on. i feel like its impossible to have that with someone now a days. People want it all or just a sucky fuck. isn't there a middle ground? who cares if its healthy or not, slap my ass and call me crazy but i want FIRE. hot crazy passionate fire. is that too much to ask for??? cuddle me. its all i want...but then again...

Someone to hold me too close...

UGHH so many feeeelings. i feel like i'm in middle school again. ugh. what am i looking for? why do i feel like there's something missing? i feel like i know what Nicole is talking about. and now i know what it is.... i miss the "earth-shattering bliss when time stops, planets collide, when tidal waves consumes the entire world and we are left together in a heap of exhaustion and touch."

i miss LOVE. and i think i just summed up my entire blog. with those three words. lol. little things though, the quirks, knowing every detail about someone. knowing what they are thinking by just looking in their eyes or their face or even finishing their sentences or knowing what they are going to say before they say it. knowing their hurt face, the i want to eat you up right now face, the face that shows and understands the trust, the bond you share. and pet peeves, to know what buttons to push in a fight. the times that you could look in someones eyes and get lost. the trust where you can walk around naked or fart and not feel embarrassed, or when you can say anything without censoring any thought. a safety, a vulnerability, arms to fall asleep in and to wake up to, little kisses that fix booboos and hurt feelings. letting someone in, with no walls just truth and just BEing. a best friend, a lover. how can i not want to find that again? i wanna fight and say i can be with out it. i want to say that its easy being single, i want to say that i feel free. that i'm focused and that i'm happy. i want to believe it when i say those things...

...and maybe i do, for a while.

i hate change.

Yenna and Michael's Birthday Party

lots of love, lots of booze, lots of kisses. The first pic is supossed to me me. HAHA. so. things. looking up. i think they've kicked in a little. still stressed. not depressed. not sooo.....BLUE. confusifying feelings. not really sure where to go, what to think. I struck out but now i'm wanting to have more and more strike outs. and maybe its not a bad thing. ps why have i started a baseball analogy? whatever, it could be softball or something, thats gayer and more my style.

hurt feelings. over it. but it makes things clearer. CONNECTIONS connections. theme of my life, my recital. haha. things just keep changing...for the best i hope. i like to quote veronica when it comes to change in my life. shut up and read it. i know what you're thinking. ha.

You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.

but things always change, "they've been changing since the day you were born" - (vak stating the obvious but profound) ups and downs. rights and wrong. its never that black and white. its always latino. ok I found that funny. whatev.

Sabrina called me the other day. it made me realize that i'm not disconnected. Sabrina has this way of making everything ok by just calling me shitters and telling me to jerk off her arm. (response to me telling her shes making a cameo on my blog - "ur a little bit gayness") i love her. ok so i'm not depressed but how about emotional. wtf?

can i just go back to key west? please?

"I didn't feel a thing and now I'm gone, gone, gone "

So how many times have i heard myself say i just don't care. and not connected that to anything. i was wrong. because i don't. i don't care. i don't care about school, going to classes, singing, the show, my relationships, myself, music. i don't care about caring. things all seem shades of grey. and we know that my add ass is only attracted to bright shiny colorful shit. nothing really matters anymore. its amazing what a little pamalar 8 mg pill can do for me. and yet, the tears won't flow. they're there. i feel it, them. I was waiting for it to hit me really hard. like a few days of privately crying to myself. Nothing like that at all, just very slowly, the joy started to leave. daddy told me when he stopped, he began losing interest and motivation in everything. it's weird, it's beginning to take its toll. goodddd job jesse, now pay up. no motivation because of no reward. yes, it's time to admit that i need it.

"can I refill my prescription please? thank you."

new book?

sober moments. interesting. foreign. :) i miss maria. crazy bitch. drained. need to get some sleep. my sea monkeys are still alive. they are big now and have little black eyes. bertha is still the fattest one. and yes they are still eating cheese its. no thanks to ryan. back to the four of us. nothing really to say about that. it is what it is. i had to akwardfy (my new word, it WILL be IN soon.) the situation. but i feel like the small talk reminded us what its like to be on the same page. wow. and what a new book it is.

i stopped the meds. no need for them. i'm in a really good place right now. knock on wood. *knock knock* text SEX. everyday. haaaaaaaa. oh kevin.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

i won't forget the convo we had that night. called out on why i couldn't just let go and just BE around him alone. always had to have other people around. i'm still a little scared. do i have enough to offer anyone? and do i want to right now? do i pretend to not be interested? i learned to slow and we didn't have enough time. invade my personal space please?

voice lessons. ugghh laura had to kick my ass. just a little embarrassing cause it was my first one with cris. i feel like i want to sing EVERYTHING in my junior recital, (still don't know the fucking date yet - i have to change it once again.) I should save some stuff for my senior recital huh. hmmmm. only problem right now is my "walk away" problem. i keep going right back to the one thing i need to walk away from. its beyond strike 3 by now, i've been out of the game for sometime but i keep striking and striking. maybe i need my aurora again. she helps straighten things out. i feel like somethings missing though. can't put my finger on it....hmm... about that sleep. this is jesse, signing out. hahaha.

i have so many songs

WOODY's and Caitlyn's



DATE. hehe. adobe cafe. love that place. party @ yoni's.



I saw children of men last night with maria, erica, nicole and mike. It was real good. ended a bit abrubtly but good. i can never stop laughing when i'm with those girls. wtf. RANDOM work at Miquon.