Someone to hold me too close...

UGHH so many feeeelings. i feel like i'm in middle school again. ugh. what am i looking for? why do i feel like there's something missing? i feel like i know what Nicole is talking about. and now i know what it is.... i miss the "earth-shattering bliss when time stops, planets collide, when tidal waves consumes the entire world and we are left together in a heap of exhaustion and touch."

i miss LOVE. and i think i just summed up my entire blog. with those three words. lol. little things though, the quirks, knowing every detail about someone. knowing what they are thinking by just looking in their eyes or their face or even finishing their sentences or knowing what they are going to say before they say it. knowing their hurt face, the i want to eat you up right now face, the face that shows and understands the trust, the bond you share. and pet peeves, to know what buttons to push in a fight. the times that you could look in someones eyes and get lost. the trust where you can walk around naked or fart and not feel embarrassed, or when you can say anything without censoring any thought. a safety, a vulnerability, arms to fall asleep in and to wake up to, little kisses that fix booboos and hurt feelings. letting someone in, with no walls just truth and just BEing. a best friend, a lover. how can i not want to find that again? i wanna fight and say i can be with out it. i want to say that its easy being single, i want to say that i feel free. that i'm focused and that i'm happy. i want to believe it when i say those things...

...and maybe i do, for a while.

i hate change.

Yenna and Michael's Birthday Party

lots of love, lots of booze, lots of kisses. The first pic is supossed to me me. HAHA. so. things. looking up. i think they've kicked in a little. still stressed. not depressed. not sooo.....BLUE. confusifying feelings. not really sure where to go, what to think. I struck out but now i'm wanting to have more and more strike outs. and maybe its not a bad thing. ps why have i started a baseball analogy? whatever, it could be softball or something, thats gayer and more my style.

hurt feelings. over it. but it makes things clearer. CONNECTIONS connections. theme of my life, my recital. haha. things just keep changing...for the best i hope. i like to quote veronica when it comes to change in my life. shut up and read it. i know what you're thinking. ha.

You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.

but things always change, "they've been changing since the day you were born" - (vak stating the obvious but profound) ups and downs. rights and wrong. its never that black and white. its always latino. ok I found that funny. whatev.

Sabrina called me the other day. it made me realize that i'm not disconnected. Sabrina has this way of making everything ok by just calling me shitters and telling me to jerk off her arm. (response to me telling her shes making a cameo on my blog - "ur a little bit gayness") i love her. ok so i'm not depressed but how about emotional. wtf?

can i just go back to key west? please?

"I didn't feel a thing and now I'm gone, gone, gone "

So how many times have i heard myself say i just don't care. and not connected that to anything. i was wrong. because i don't. i don't care. i don't care about school, going to classes, singing, the show, my relationships, myself, music. i don't care about caring. things all seem shades of grey. and we know that my add ass is only attracted to bright shiny colorful shit. nothing really matters anymore. its amazing what a little pamalar 8 mg pill can do for me. and yet, the tears won't flow. they're there. i feel it, them. I was waiting for it to hit me really hard. like a few days of privately crying to myself. Nothing like that at all, just very slowly, the joy started to leave. daddy told me when he stopped, he began losing interest and motivation in everything. it's weird, it's beginning to take its toll. goodddd job jesse, now pay up. no motivation because of no reward. yes, it's time to admit that i need it.

"can I refill my prescription please? thank you."

new book?

sober moments. interesting. foreign. :) i miss maria. crazy bitch. drained. need to get some sleep. my sea monkeys are still alive. they are big now and have little black eyes. bertha is still the fattest one. and yes they are still eating cheese its. no thanks to ryan. back to the four of us. nothing really to say about that. it is what it is. i had to akwardfy (my new word, it WILL be IN soon.) the situation. but i feel like the small talk reminded us what its like to be on the same page. wow. and what a new book it is.

i stopped the meds. no need for them. i'm in a really good place right now. knock on wood. *knock knock* text SEX. everyday. haaaaaaaa. oh kevin.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

i won't forget the convo we had that night. called out on why i couldn't just let go and just BE around him alone. always had to have other people around. i'm still a little scared. do i have enough to offer anyone? and do i want to right now? do i pretend to not be interested? i learned to slow and we didn't have enough time. invade my personal space please?

voice lessons. ugghh laura had to kick my ass. just a little embarrassing cause it was my first one with cris. i feel like i want to sing EVERYTHING in my junior recital, (still don't know the fucking date yet - i have to change it once again.) I should save some stuff for my senior recital huh. hmmmm. only problem right now is my "walk away" problem. i keep going right back to the one thing i need to walk away from. its beyond strike 3 by now, i've been out of the game for sometime but i keep striking and striking. maybe i need my aurora again. she helps straighten things out. i feel like somethings missing though. can't put my finger on it....hmm... about that sleep. this is jesse, signing out. hahaha.