Chasing Pavements

changes. again. thats all we have in life. huge big crazy changes that rock our world and we can't do anything but evolve with it no matter how painful those changes may be. I keep chasing this idea of what relationships should be. and yes like adele it leads no where. my objective in life gets unclear when i'm coasting and surrounded by what and who i love. but when i have enough alone time and enough time to reflect enough time to realize that I AM in fact alone. my objective becomes clear. to belong. to be a part of something. friendships, boyfriends, this career. being a super senior has put me on the outside yet again. I'm gone but not really. here but not really here. not here enough to be involved in the lives of my friends that I held so tight to last year. and i'm dealing. disappointing? yes. some relationships have changed for the better. but i still feel myself not letting myself just LET GO. because shouldn't it be worth it? but when all i do is try and get nothing back? i can't help but want to let go of them? i shouldn't need proof. but right now? with all this going on. I Do. prove yourself to me.

the path.

road blocks stop signs more talks still blind
your lips nod in agreement to my monologue. throat
clogged. can't wait to blog. i open my mouth and my mind slips out
intertwining combining reconnecting recollecting with yours. unclogged. thats all it takes. your nod says so much more then what i've needed from you. we understand the madness we've crawled out of. we rebuilt a crazy new world of understanding and silly retarded love. we drink, we dance. to our friendship. forever.

i've fallen into my usual pits and holes when it comes to this unattainable goal that hangs over my head, i'm that donkey with the carrot dangling in front of its nose trying to have just a little taste. all i do is work and then pass out in my bed. and think. fantasize. over analyze. my immortal thoughts will outlive this shell. this shell. this body. this beer belly. thanks mom. my thoughts fly to maine on a small airplane. a small house by the ocean. thoughts drift easy in the low tide there. the moon light dances in shadows eyes. will i ever call that home.

My Stupid Mouth

Relationships, how do we really define them? what kind of rules must be established from the beginning? or do we just play it by ear and take them day by day? i can't seem to find boundaries these days in any of the relationships i have. they seem to evolve so fast and dissolve just as quickly. I keep turning to other people to work out whats going on in my head. Tell ME your problems however, and I've got you figured out in three minutes. I used to ask people all the time to listen to my shit and help me figure it out. and we would. and WOULD feel validated until something else arose. Sometimes validation and reassurance is what we need to help us with the next step. I keep finding myself pretending i'm another person asking myself for advice. Jess, What would you do in this situation? and I have no answer. i have no idea. Then i had this awakening, instead of "what would (insert friend or a certain vampire slayers name) do?" I began to ask myself "What would I do?" What would Jesse do?....but now. i don't know. i don't have my instruction manual that index's my problems with the solution on page 44.and whats more i think i'm broken. I once knew how relationships worked but now with the poor choices i've been making in these last few weeks I wonder if i ever knew. I feel like the beginner, the novice. I'm going into default playing stupid games that protect my heart and frustrate everyone else. No more games. But then i hear myself and catch myself in old habits. Every relationship i've ever had began in some amazing Disney fairytale and has ended Shakespearian style. minus the death. and with each one i've had the mentality that I'd just found "the one" Maybe i've graduated from that way of dating and thinking. Maybe i've gone backwards. Maybe i try too hard.

or maybe i just think too much...crap

we are the lucky ones

where to even begin. so lost in the shadows. darting eyes. i've been sharing my bed. i've made it and have lied in it every night. alone or not. addictions run deep. aware. what next. how do we make it stop? its blood. scarlet hot pumping veins. it runs deeper. who will have the next ride on the town bike you ask? pick me choose me love me. these sheets are empty. yet still hot against my skin. every hair on end. i can't let go. can i just be wrapped around by a pair of arms that will hold me, calm me, protect me from the outside world.

the outside world. real. can't i just be in kindergarten again studying japan and running around the playground trying to kiss all the boys? those were simpler times. i keep reaching for that little big headed boy that wore frog boots and pink socks that i once was. Am i moving forward? everyones growing up, going to nursing school, getting an apartment with their boyfriend, getting engaged, having kids, getting agents and jobs... and i'm watching pokemon movies...where do i go from here? WHERE do i go from here? where do I go from here? where do i GO from here? where do i go from HERE?

i'm so happy and so lucky to have so many people in my life around who have shaped me into this strange little boy. who i am. I'm not ready to let go of that. of us. i in fact REFUSE to let go of it.

We are the lucky ones