I need a key to start me in the morning, to get me going....dead heat. exaustion. sick. dramatic. it begins. they just keep coming. I'm out of biodiesel. so strong, so strong, so weak and tired. I've driven myself into the ground. sick, sporadic, out of control. i'm gripping at nothing. I want to leave. I can't stay here. Already, i've been through too much. It's unreal and unwanted. have you ever slammed your finger with a hammer? really hard so that it turns purple? it takes time to heal, to stop swelling, for the bruise to fade. And we don't deny the pain.... but what if we do? what if we keep using the hand and instead of letting it heal? what if we keep ripping open the wound only to let it bleed more? time. time. time. time. time. give it time. i don't have time. I have to keep using that fucked up hand. i HAVE to pretend that its ok. But what happens when you supress and deny? It comes back double fold.

Memory painter...paint me something pretty and dark. Something to hang up next to my tainted pastel paintings. The canvas. everyone. The summer, NYC, Broadway Bares, gaudy sparkles and feathers, drunk wet colors, out for drinks, asian dining, the last time. Longacre, the farm. bright colors. smiling faces. support, friendship, community. The parties, Take 2 - multi -colored balloons, liquor, sarah silverman, lots of food, my closest friends, color it black out. maria, laura ruthie, reut. long beach island, the beach at night. sandy textures, bright sunlight hangovers, i'm totally distracted i forget what i was talking about, candles, freestyling. bodyslammed. relationships begining, ending, evolving. but...how would someone paint me? swirly disconnected patterns. the color of love, red tinted with black. with a splash of vodka. drink me, i give too much.

The reason is gone. it doesn't make sense. things have been figured out. as always i'm left in the dark. but i think i've figured it all out. I think i have. All one EVER needs is love. It will always work out. people don't fall out of love; its not possible, its always worth fighting for and if you fight hard enough you will win.

bitter... can you tell?