deal. just deal. it's how i'm dealing. ignore it, me, i have to to heal. trying to gain my balance, i'm slowly finding solid ground. i can't dance through life. i wish i could. I can't pretend that nothings wrong, that i don't hurt, that i don't feel. i'm STILL reeling, i can't cut the tie of 9. 9 a long and functional number. no ties of 10 11 12 or 1. I hate this. I don't do well with anger. i don't understand the next move. is there middle ground? The rubble remains and I'm slowly rebuilding. something new. like a honduran hut. just made for monkeys. everyone else excluded. A drink, or two. no emotional bullshit. a month of laughing at other people. a control that was found. that can be sustained. slowly getting better. hmmm....