whats my line part one.

oh buff. scene work with with alyssa has been so much fun but a lot of work. I feel really comfortable working with her. pregame @ mergins. shot glasses light up. HOT. halloween party, lost my horns. flushed one of them. made out with some boy. whhaatevvv. good times good times. i mean i was so sober. can you tell. rehearsal the next day. woke up two minutes before. holler. dancing, kill me now. I'd rather be sailing. its working slowly. slowwwllyyy.

moving foward.

i'm catching up. yess. no. maybe. so. could be. who knows. balls in my court. wanna play. interactions upfront. no longer ignored. admitting its there. whatev. you care. do you. have you forgotten so easily. the pain, the love, the passion. wake up and forget me. i don't believe it. a few weeks before i mattered. i was important. the most. i guess i'm now dispensable. i agree. you left. you struck out. i owe you nothing. NOTHING. and it feels so good. i don't remember you. i don't remember you. BTVS. she makes the world better one vampire at a time. maria and i must be psychic or psycho. we amend at the same time. same place 3 hours apart at the same time. huwah?. talk talk talk to me. craving sunshine. hop off the tracks. eat breakfast. cuddle me. wake up late. again. its different. skip class, reset my clock. alarm. beep beep beep beeeep. fuck off. don't open the door all the way. sure was akward. we both said it, still connected. blah blah blah blah blah. psh. whatev. gnight.

5x5...

its how i roll these days. i hate when people bring stupid shit up. whatever. its not awkward or anything. It's someone elses turn to feel dispensable. many layers...i feel like a crazy psycadelic cake. many layers. diet pepsi has turned my life around. mmm. i really didn't want to come back here after this weekend. i just didn't want to stop hugging my dad. sing alongs, apple crisp. I guess i've never felt so supported by my family....EVER. A constant support. but its a crutch. ALONE. studying alone, getting shit done. didn't get to do that last year. smothered. save as draft. publish post. meaningless blobbbbs. isn't it crazy how slaying always makes you hungry and horny?

strike 4....?Who cares?

its done though. i swear. for real this time. lol. MESS. This weekend. crazy fun. the choir concert went well. except when the harp, organ and choir were in 4 different keys. Hopes. drink one. apple orchard, pumpkins, apple cider slushy, tara's. slumber parties, trying to find my lobster. buffy marathon. away. don't go there. uggh. (the pic - after a drink spilled. hehe) i feel like i'm torn in two, part of me willing and ready to let go and then theres the fucked part that still gives a shit. everythings fine, its not ok. This is my happy ending. This is my happy ending. This is my happy ending. i wish it were that black and white. ugh. 6 hot ass devils for halloween. can't wait.

decrowned

i put down the hammer, i'm tired of getting hurt. slowly growing a tougher skin, a taller wall, sturdy. stop trying to understand. just collect data. watch and learn. just keep swimming. I found a poem that i wrote this summer, it doesn't matter anymore. no longer royal. decrowned. The Baker's Wife....what a ho. the baker should have never taken her back. Alcohol, i love that Nova talked about it in acting. give give give give give. take from me, keep trying to please, need to sit back and take something in drugs drugs drunks sip chug snort swallow. whatev control that i waver. i don't care what you think. tired. i just don't care anymore. i don't.

Nova: I can smell vodka from a mile away....
Carl to me: Can she smell our room?

undecided, uninterested, not caring, slightly numb. has it kicked in yet? it's snowing where they are. magical snow. its freezing outside, inside. my feet are cold. my hands feel like theres no blood in them. i manage to keep warm at night. kick in, kick in. falling back into fucked patterns. an uncontrollable desire. who's using who. i keep forgetting, i gotta help myself. gotta take my own serving and for once dish it out. what the fuck. alone at last. free. easier is only making me want more highs. its over. 3 strikes, i'm out.

i bought shoes today....ha. shoes just help. i never realized that. they make feet happy. and comfortable. and they look pretty. I had a really good talk with nanny tonight. I think we both needed to go out and just walk around and talk. good times. baskin robbins turtle coffee shake things also generally make things better. phone with the Devine. Angela is pretty much the hottest sweater i've ever met. It's been a positive experience reconnecting with people who i basically put on the back burner last year. I have to do me. "Sometimes these things make you really cling to your art and things you love and give you an extra passion." - Colin. I mean thats my silver lining. and its true. Perspective put in place. I've never worked like this before, i've never sung like this before. i'ts flowing, but when i'm not busy, it hurts. keep busy. keep working, keep singing, keep laughing, keep living. drugged? will my passion cease? All of this emoting. overwhelming, wasted, unwanted, overused, powerful, useful. I don't have time. choices. fuck.

I need a key to start me in the morning, to get me going....dead heat. exaustion. sick. dramatic. it begins. they just keep coming. I'm out of biodiesel. so strong, so strong, so weak and tired. I've driven myself into the ground. sick, sporadic, out of control. i'm gripping at nothing. I want to leave. I can't stay here. Already, i've been through too much. It's unreal and unwanted. have you ever slammed your finger with a hammer? really hard so that it turns purple? it takes time to heal, to stop swelling, for the bruise to fade. And we don't deny the pain.... but what if we do? what if we keep using the hand and instead of letting it heal? what if we keep ripping open the wound only to let it bleed more? time. time. time. time. time. give it time. i don't have time. I have to keep using that fucked up hand. i HAVE to pretend that its ok. But what happens when you supress and deny? It comes back double fold.

Memory painter...paint me something pretty and dark. Something to hang up next to my tainted pastel paintings. The canvas. everyone. The summer, NYC, Broadway Bares, gaudy sparkles and feathers, drunk wet colors, out for drinks, asian dining, the last time. Longacre, the farm. bright colors. smiling faces. support, friendship, community. The parties, Take 2 - multi -colored balloons, liquor, sarah silverman, lots of food, my closest friends, color it black out. maria, laura ruthie, reut. long beach island, the beach at night. sandy textures, bright sunlight hangovers, i'm totally distracted i forget what i was talking about, candles, freestyling. bodyslammed. relationships begining, ending, evolving. but...how would someone paint me? swirly disconnected patterns. the color of love, red tinted with black. with a splash of vodka. drink me, i give too much.

The reason is gone. it doesn't make sense. things have been figured out. as always i'm left in the dark. but i think i've figured it all out. I think i have. All one EVER needs is love. It will always work out. people don't fall out of love; its not possible, its always worth fighting for and if you fight hard enough you will win.

bitter... can you tell?

light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather stiff as a board. i guess i was too obese. it worked in the craft. psh.

Vak's bday dinner @ sotto. We had to wait sooooo long for a table. many pictures. good times. their food is very tasty. the garlic knots = love. Jessye's bday drinkathon at A&B. G&T my drink of choice last night.

I found a new show, which is gonna be the death of me, i don't do much work anyways. Heroes. Download the 2nd episode "Don't Look Back" on iTunes. I'm still trying to find the first. It looks pretty good though. not as good as Veronica Mars though. The new season has started and i'm already lost. Don't mess with the bull.

My parents are still in maine. I called them today, Big Lynn picks up...."heyy!! we're on top of a mountain in Acadia National Park..."
"well i'm glad you have service there." they are so random.

deal. just deal. it's how i'm dealing. ignore it, me, i have to to heal. trying to gain my balance, i'm slowly finding solid ground. i can't dance through life. i wish i could. I can't pretend that nothings wrong, that i don't hurt, that i don't feel. i'm STILL reeling, i can't cut the tie of 9. 9 a long and functional number. no ties of 10 11 12 or 1. I hate this. I don't do well with anger. i don't understand the next move. is there middle ground? The rubble remains and I'm slowly rebuilding. something new. like a honduran hut. just made for monkeys. everyone else excluded. A drink, or two. no emotional bullshit. a month of laughing at other people. a control that was found. that can be sustained. slowly getting better. hmmm....

Where to begin? where to end? i don't know who to trust. what to believe. My biggest pet peeve. lies. don't. lie. to. me. I know some truth. It doesn't have to be this way. make it better. I can't cry. i feel the pressure, almost there a few tears, a few tears. I feel overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I've been FEELING at everyone. Do you feel me? ugh. i love longacre. hah. everything is overflowing into the I don't give a shit pile in my mind. What is truth? This hurts like fuck. EMBRACE IT. What can I say, the people who have had all of me generally love to fuck me over in the end. morbid much? Get over it. This definately makes it easier.

I wish i was veronica. she'd know what to do.