"I didn't feel a thing and now I'm gone, gone, gone "

So how many times have i heard myself say i just don't care. and not connected that to anything. i was wrong. because i don't. i don't care. i don't care about school, going to classes, singing, the show, my relationships, myself, music. i don't care about caring. things all seem shades of grey. and we know that my add ass is only attracted to bright shiny colorful shit. nothing really matters anymore. its amazing what a little pamalar 8 mg pill can do for me. and yet, the tears won't flow. they're there. i feel it, them. I was waiting for it to hit me really hard. like a few days of privately crying to myself. Nothing like that at all, just very slowly, the joy started to leave. daddy told me when he stopped, he began losing interest and motivation in everything. it's weird, it's beginning to take its toll. goodddd job jesse, now pay up. no motivation because of no reward. yes, it's time to admit that i need it.

"can I refill my prescription please? thank you."

new book?

sober moments. interesting. foreign. :) i miss maria. crazy bitch. drained. need to get some sleep. my sea monkeys are still alive. they are big now and have little black eyes. bertha is still the fattest one. and yes they are still eating cheese its. no thanks to ryan. back to the four of us. nothing really to say about that. it is what it is. i had to akwardfy (my new word, it WILL be IN soon.) the situation. but i feel like the small talk reminded us what its like to be on the same page. wow. and what a new book it is.

i stopped the meds. no need for them. i'm in a really good place right now. knock on wood. *knock knock* text SEX. everyday. haaaaaaaa. oh kevin.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

i won't forget the convo we had that night. called out on why i couldn't just let go and just BE around him alone. always had to have other people around. i'm still a little scared. do i have enough to offer anyone? and do i want to right now? do i pretend to not be interested? i learned to slow and we didn't have enough time. invade my personal space please?

voice lessons. ugghh laura had to kick my ass. just a little embarrassing cause it was my first one with cris. i feel like i want to sing EVERYTHING in my junior recital, (still don't know the fucking date yet - i have to change it once again.) I should save some stuff for my senior recital huh. hmmmm. only problem right now is my "walk away" problem. i keep going right back to the one thing i need to walk away from. its beyond strike 3 by now, i've been out of the game for sometime but i keep striking and striking. maybe i need my aurora again. she helps straighten things out. i feel like somethings missing though. can't put my finger on it....hmm... about that sleep. this is jesse, signing out. hahaha.

i have so many songs

WOODY's and Caitlyn's



DATE. hehe. adobe cafe. love that place. party @ yoni's.



I saw children of men last night with maria, erica, nicole and mike. It was real good. ended a bit abrubtly but good. i can never stop laughing when i'm with those girls. wtf. RANDOM work at Miquon.

Key West

catch up! jazzed. keywested out. night hops bar hops, quizzo. Monkey's with a gun. rumrunners, queen out. gay bars, i can say i went to keywest and made out with a stripper. hot. tattoos, wings. friends. duval street, drag queen bar with my mother. palm trees, snorkeling, DOLPHINOS! and the baby dolphins. sooo cute. remind me to show you what the baby did. i do great dolphin impersonations. kyaking for HOURS. bonding with robin. i agree with eva, sibling love is good for the soul. key lime mojitos.

today...Chris' jazzz cafe with lynn and jon. ha. great band. amazing drummer. capagiro gelato. fucking amazing. banana's foster and mocha. mmm. more painting tomorrow. in the middle of reading the power of the actor by ivana chubbuck. VERY good book. i like her method a lot. jasmine just left. i love that girl.

so happy about dreamgirls. :) so gay.

not so bad...

suprisingly the talk didn't end up with us bleeding. ohhh rollinnnngggg.......and suprisingly i didn't make out with anyone although sooomeeee peoplllee made out. ha. I just don't understand self homophobia. and then to act on it? boggles. share my bed please then move on in for the unexpected kill. now i understand how it feels to be betrayed by a friend. i understand. BUt I felt bad after, i hurt myself over it. I bet he feels absolutely nothing. except possible guilt. I never knew that he wanted him. whatevs. SO over cabbage patches. i don't wanna drag myself into that again.

I'm glad i got this off my mind now, its not something that i worry about anymore. speaking my drunk high mind allowed me to let go of the last string. unfurl my wings. they are featheryyyyy.

I been on this kick to find out more about my biological parents for some reason. roots. i think it would ground me more. i'd like to plant my feet on solid ground and know where and who i came from. hmm.

look who got the best of karma.

new beginnings, endings. 22. blah. can anyone say KARMA. who can say. Uncensored. who said it was ok for you to walk back in my life. you're not invited. you get the message. who knows? you certainly don't and won't, can't take responsibility for your actions or see the outcome. i called this. where is the person i knew? gone. doesn't exist anymore. you left. i accepted i was dispensable to you and i've moved on. i'd talk but we'd just talk in circles you blame me i blame you and we end up slitting our wrists together. sorry you're in a bad place. i don't care. things can't be ok cause you haven't done anything to make me ever trust you. Its obvious why you've tryed walking back in. and don' t think this is anything i wouldn't ever say to your face. come in here and and i'd go off. neither of us want to. i'm just an ex. i want things to be ok i do, but can you step up? is it worth it. who knows. i don't know. i can't know, i'm done i'm numb. punch the wall, i don' t feel it anymore. Why do i keep hurting myself? I'm not the one causing me pain. channel it somewhere else. my strength is wavering. i don' t know how much longer. I can't wait for break. tanning in the keys. ooommmggg cannn'ttt waiiiitt...

and scene.

thankful

Thanksgiving. what am I thankful for? I'm thankful for having an incredibly supportive family, crazy beautiful friends and a safe place to learn and to grow. Break was good, but not long enough. I felt like I spread myself thin trying to reconnect with everyone at home. I picked Carl up from the Philadelphia Airport the day after thanksgiv. We pretty much rock. alot.


transitions again. within one. Not really sure where it's going. i just feel like i'm in the middle of something. I've rebuilt my castle and the walls stand strong (gay haha.)
It was good explore the world of pain in my session today. yes. jesse is quite psycho. :)

pain, loss, we all deal with it in different ways, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some choose to ignore it and bottle it up isolating themselves from the rest of the world, some turn to new lovers, old lovers, rebounds, sex and hookups for the moment, some cry, some punch walls, some drown. and then some learn, grow, laugh and remember the good times. Then eventually heal and move on. cheers.

isn't this better?

betrayer, betrayed. a guilty conscious hurts everyone. tried to find my way home, way too crossfaded. lost. just when i thought i couldn't hit rock bottom. so many recitals, so little time. 3 fabulous senior women have come so far. party party. I can't wait for thanksgiving. mmmm the best cranberry sauce EVER. i love playing with text color. i'm so ADD. ha. 22 soon. another year. so different. SO different... isn't this better?

patterns

i've been thinking about patterns, patterns i don't fall into. other people do. its nice to sit back, disconnect and watch. reruns. Lifes a show and we all play a part. same old same old. the wall feels my wrath. i don't bruise easily anymore. i did last year. throw me against the wall and blame me for the lashing i give myself. drink mystery punch. drunken punches thrown. FREEZE. My all is more than enough. blinded by the sweet sunshine. never a waste though. learn. step back wild child. take a good look at me now. FRESH.

Where to go now? SWEAT? didn't mean to laugh at Nova. sorry, no time, no money for that. Manhattan maybe. what direction? i don't even know if i have the support of my parents right now. dancing, not my thing. i DO know my weaknesses. training. training. absorbing.
still not feeling it. maybe i will tomorrow. my aurora supports me only so much. I've never EVER been this angry.

NO MORE

done and DONE. power, i have it. no more tears, no more roller coasters, no more screw ups, no more talks, no more mind games, no more love, no more feelings, no more drama, no more lies. no more. HA. numb. feel my face, i don't feel it. injected with lies that burn then allow the change and healing to begin. truth. sculpted. made. found. I had fun. he didn't. too worried about who than what. and scene. it was over before it began. What would david do? what would carter do? what would buffy or veronica do? no. it can't be like that. i'm alone. standing on my own two feet. when it comes down to it no support. the only person who will always be there for me is me. its the truth and its wonderful to admit, to accept. what would Jesse do? it's what i ask now. its my daily check up. and its 100% correct. tell me i'm wrong. i'll fight you. *grins*