my1st pop culture blog. wtf.

So we all know that I love Mariah Carey. a lot. I kinda think this feud between her and Eminem is pointless though. anyways. the one complaint that I've been having with Mariah's recent cds is the overproduction of the tracks. I wanna hear my girl LIVE. My new favorite song from Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. It's a Wrap.




I would like to be a forensic anthropologist like Temperance Brennan. This season of bones has started off on a good start. I enjoyed Cindy Lauper's portrayal of a psychic on episode one, it shook up the rest of the bones squad's scientific way of thinking. I'm just now waiting for Tempy and Seeley to finally kiss and not in a comatose way.



I also caught Grey's and Private Practice. It was nice to see the crossover. but Miranda Bailey and Sam? I'm glad she stopped that kiss. One of my favorite quotes from this episode was from Addison. "must be nice to be a baby haven't made any mistakes had any fights said anything that you can't take back..." I wish to be a baby again. hell to the yeah. oh yeah and I'm happy that Violet is physically out of the closet and back at work. I enjoyed her and Charlotte's martini time last week. but she might need more than a few martini's to get over getting cut open by a crazy. lets try some anti depressants. and THEN a martini.


UM how about Christina Aguilera and Kristin Bell's new movie musical Burlesque. A lot of people are already saying that Kristin can't compare to Christina, but if you've ever seen Reefer Madness you might change your mind. google it.

ok thats the end of my first pop culture blog. haha.

excuses excuses.

Bounderies. We don’t have them. Because we aren’t. I put all my cards on the table only to have you shuffle them and spit them back. 52 card picking up my scattered bullshit. A clear definition never found. I walk around 5 by 5 all day. Every other minute thinking about what I screwed up. My heart smashes against my rib cage in anger. Tearing itself to pieces. I’m so exhausted. I’m so tired of me. No excuses for my behavior. Psychologically speaking I’m fucking scared. I retract. I react. I drink. I drown. I need. I touch. I scream. I bleed. I cry. I wake up. And then, the endless merry go round begins again.
I betrayed you. I’m trying to figure out why. I’m getting help. I’ll go to the meetings. Ill take the pills the doctor says to take instead of self medicating with booze. I don’t know what’s in store for the future. I need to figure out who I’ve become this last month. And why.

totally fucked.

This is what i do know. I've made a lot of mistakes this year. too many in fact. and I think i've lost myself along the way. I used to know how to be a good friend, a good boyfriend. I used to know how much was too much and when i wasn't giving enough. Now I don't speak my mind like i used to, i'm constantly way too into my life to help friends out and i have NO CLUE how to date anymore. I used to talk EVERYTHING out that was bothering me. Communication is key i'd say. to everyone.

too many mistakes to name. and people are right though. I can't keep holding back and being scared to move foward because of what has happened in previous relationships. but because of the way all my relationships have ended, what is there to look forward to? the same unhappy ending? the attempt at a dismal ephemeral friendship?

so i do what i do best this year. when it gets complicated. I sabotage and bail. I've lost myself trying to fit us into a definition. (and tried in vain to take control of the situation.) I've lost my morals in drunken nights. I've hurt the man that I want to be with, only finding that i wanted to be with him after hooking up with someone else; hesitantly accepting then graciously declining tempting offers from wrong people. I find that i'm looking for answers in very wrong places. and my conscious is eating away at me. its now 454 in the morning and i'm wide awake shaking because of guilt, sleep deprivation, indigestion, and most of all longing. longing to make everything better, longing to be back in your arms. What have i done?

We are only human. wasn't the 2nd chance invented because we unavoidable make mistakes. unfortunately i've made some unwise choices and am trying to make up for whats happened. how though? what can i do to make this better? give you time? space? can trust ever be built again?

what scares me is maybe i haven't changed since high school. maybe i'm still that scared little boy who can't maintain a functional relationship. I can't be though. I've grown WAY too much and have learned so much from each dysfunctional relationship.

All i know is that the parties over. I'm sick of blacking out and not remembering parts of the night. i'm sick of not singing or performing, i'm sick of hiding behind my closed door or behind my apron at work. i'm sick of being scared of my talent. and i'm sure as hell tired of not moving forward and letting go of the past. my past. the past me. Its time to close that door and open a new one. begin a new chapter, turn a new leaf. It's time to grow the fuck up Jesse.


'

Chasing Pavements

changes. again. thats all we have in life. huge big crazy changes that rock our world and we can't do anything but evolve with it no matter how painful those changes may be. I keep chasing this idea of what relationships should be. and yes like adele it leads no where. my objective in life gets unclear when i'm coasting and surrounded by what and who i love. but when i have enough alone time and enough time to reflect enough time to realize that I AM in fact alone. my objective becomes clear. to belong. to be a part of something. friendships, boyfriends, this career. being a super senior has put me on the outside yet again. I'm gone but not really. here but not really here. not here enough to be involved in the lives of my friends that I held so tight to last year. and i'm dealing. disappointing? yes. some relationships have changed for the better. but i still feel myself not letting myself just LET GO. because shouldn't it be worth it? but when all i do is try and get nothing back? i can't help but want to let go of them? i shouldn't need proof. but right now? with all this going on. I Do. prove yourself to me.

the path.

road blocks stop signs more talks still blind
your lips nod in agreement to my monologue. throat
clogged. can't wait to blog. i open my mouth and my mind slips out
intertwining combining reconnecting recollecting with yours. unclogged. thats all it takes. your nod says so much more then what i've needed from you. we understand the madness we've crawled out of. we rebuilt a crazy new world of understanding and silly retarded love. we drink, we dance. to our friendship. forever.

i've fallen into my usual pits and holes when it comes to this unattainable goal that hangs over my head, i'm that donkey with the carrot dangling in front of its nose trying to have just a little taste. all i do is work and then pass out in my bed. and think. fantasize. over analyze. my immortal thoughts will outlive this shell. this shell. this body. this beer belly. thanks mom. my thoughts fly to maine on a small airplane. a small house by the ocean. thoughts drift easy in the low tide there. the moon light dances in shadows eyes. will i ever call that home.

My Stupid Mouth

Relationships, how do we really define them? what kind of rules must be established from the beginning? or do we just play it by ear and take them day by day? i can't seem to find boundaries these days in any of the relationships i have. they seem to evolve so fast and dissolve just as quickly. I keep turning to other people to work out whats going on in my head. Tell ME your problems however, and I've got you figured out in three minutes. I used to ask people all the time to listen to my shit and help me figure it out. and we would. and WOULD feel validated until something else arose. Sometimes validation and reassurance is what we need to help us with the next step. I keep finding myself pretending i'm another person asking myself for advice. Jess, What would you do in this situation? and I have no answer. i have no idea. Then i had this awakening, instead of "what would (insert friend or a certain vampire slayers name) do?" I began to ask myself "What would I do?" What would Jesse do?....but now. i don't know. i don't have my instruction manual that index's my problems with the solution on page 44.and whats more i think i'm broken. I once knew how relationships worked but now with the poor choices i've been making in these last few weeks I wonder if i ever knew. I feel like the beginner, the novice. I'm going into default playing stupid games that protect my heart and frustrate everyone else. No more games. But then i hear myself and catch myself in old habits. Every relationship i've ever had began in some amazing Disney fairytale and has ended Shakespearian style. minus the death. and with each one i've had the mentality that I'd just found "the one" Maybe i've graduated from that way of dating and thinking. Maybe i've gone backwards. Maybe i try too hard.

or maybe i just think too much...crap

we are the lucky ones

where to even begin. so lost in the shadows. darting eyes. i've been sharing my bed. i've made it and have lied in it every night. alone or not. addictions run deep. aware. what next. how do we make it stop? its blood. scarlet hot pumping veins. it runs deeper. who will have the next ride on the town bike you ask? pick me choose me love me. these sheets are empty. yet still hot against my skin. every hair on end. i can't let go. can i just be wrapped around by a pair of arms that will hold me, calm me, protect me from the outside world.

the outside world. real. can't i just be in kindergarten again studying japan and running around the playground trying to kiss all the boys? those were simpler times. i keep reaching for that little big headed boy that wore frog boots and pink socks that i once was. Am i moving forward? everyones growing up, going to nursing school, getting an apartment with their boyfriend, getting engaged, having kids, getting agents and jobs... and i'm watching pokemon movies...where do i go from here? WHERE do i go from here? where do I go from here? where do i GO from here? where do i go from HERE?

i'm so happy and so lucky to have so many people in my life around who have shaped me into this strange little boy. who i am. I'm not ready to let go of that. of us. i in fact REFUSE to let go of it.

We are the lucky ones

the looking glass

it goes beyond the reflection. I can't seem to get behind the glass. My fingertips glide over the cool smooth fingers of the young boy in his backwards world. he copies my every move as if we were one, but we are two. his eyes are empty, guarded and flighty. He can't look into my eyes and i wonder why. he looks hurt, broken, he has walls. He backs up and we look at each other. his clothes are too big, sleeves too long, jeans ripped at the bottom. i sigh and his shoulders slump forward. we turn both turn away.

I don't know that boy.

Say Goodbye to the Old and Welcome the New...

“who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? it’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event –big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. what’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.” - grey's anatomy

Battlefield. stars. camera. lesbian flashlights. new friends. Facebook me. Halloween. Kiss me i'm drunk and dressed like Harry. Movie. kiss me again. Are we moving too fast? how can that question be answered when neither of us know what we want? Dance with me. We are where we are. Day by day. moment to moment. We both aren't ready and have our plates full.

Maybe i open up too fast to people... Messy messy Jesse. Pull on the reins, don't look back. move foward. Maybe this is why i'm not ready. too raw. I need new skin that won't let people get underneath it. I can't help the random welcome mat in front of my heart. I know there were two metaphors there. ADD can't help it. on another note. C# to be exact, welcoming in the new has let me once and for all say goodbye to the old.

LOVE katie thompson. sang gurl.

tappin' out.

invincible....

we think we are. we're not. a westminster student died yesterday morning.it was one of us. we sang. we all sang and held hands. choir was a mess. FUCK the press, FUCK the helicopters. i sat next to him a few times in composition. he was a alive. here. and now he's gone. all i keep thinking about how he's never gonna brush his teeth again or tie his shoes or laugh, or cry. life can be taken away in an instant. an entire world gone. death is looming over the campus. may he find peace. it's knocked a lot of sense into me. the desires to try new substances have been stamped. find a new high. like frolicking in the battlefields at night with new friends. the stars. the air.
i've never felt so mortal, so HUMAN. we all feel that invincibility at times, like something like this could never happen to us. but it can, it did. RIP justin.

wake the fuck up

Perspective. refreshed. I've stopped pessimissing everywhere. I'm not that guy that won't find love. I just need to stop looking and let it find me.
LBR WAKE UP REALITY CHECK
the one thing i hate about those is how condescending she gets. just talk to me as another adult. I'm not four. [even though i may look it] I heard everything she said and shes right. I'm not working hard enough with my voice. [or school for that matter but lets not board that sinking ship]
"check your posture"
"sorry"
Mommy and Daddy came this past weekend. I have a new beautified room that i've been nesting in for the last 3 days. I love my stars.
"I don't ever want to remind you again to BREATHE"
neither do i....

Reality Bites.

diet pepsi max has more caffine? maybe thats why i'm so perky today" - Nova

I feel like i'm constantly climbing up thought ladders in the harmonies of life only to find empty bottles. HAHA thought ladders.

Oceans of emotions make me feel so gross and create to much drama in my life. Feeling at people again. Sorry i'm sorry so sorry.

Slap me into reality outta my fantasy. no ones coming. you'll find someone don't worry you're such a great guy....STOP!

What if i don't find anyone. what if he doesn't exist? Reality. I'm young, impatient but time isn't going any slower. Reality. ever since i was in middle school i knew i'd eventually settle down have a wonderful long career, 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl, a loving crazy super and sometimes stupid husband...its all dreams. wishes. Reality bites. I feel alone. and i HATE it.

ready to be ready.

back. here. again. senior. i'm not afraid. ok maybe a little. coming back has been...interesting to say the least. My room is already home though. Big Lynn would probably say "it looks like a cyclone hit your room... or what a pig sty...." its always about connections when we get back. for everyone. testing the waters. how was your summer? and yours? hug. kiss. drink. laugh. break the ice. and then leaving people back at home. unfinished business. not ready for it to end. for it to begin. not ready. but then again. i've never been so ready. i hope i can hold onto everything i've learned this summer.

end of the summer party. SO many people. waiting for the pictures to come up in the mini feed. i know you all are. ha.

my friends update: Monica and Chandler got engaged. I wanna be engaged.

reflect

intoxicated. who would have guessed. 2 tests. kill me. soo early. for real who is awake this early and WHY? carlo rossi. 2 buck chuck you do me well. "old maid" seems to be my theme song along with "soda shop" and "half boyfriend" can't stop listening to them. 'ohh god don't let me, live and die alooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeee.' its so hard to not connect to that song.

i miss new york. going out. barhopping club jumping? um. i felt so free there and feel WAY cooped up here. went completely broke there but whatev. miss the msm bitches for real. here's to you all.

once upon a time...

aren't those supposed to be new beginnings...? well this one sucks so far. new boys. new drama. 26 years old and i'm already falling into a trap. shouldn't you be over this phase. you think i'm playing but i'm testing the waters. trusting isn't number one on my list right now. if you're looking for more than a fuck, then prove it. TALK to me. ironic, cause right now you're all talk.

angela's pool party. drunk swimming eh baby eh baby. anthony. same old page. next day. 35 minutes turned into 4 hours. njersey. 50 dollars. mcdonalds. kill me. ugh. good times.

epiphany

flashes, hot flashes.
MSM - still processing. step step hop fuhlap ball change.
I talked to Bevin the otherday. same page, still processing. reeling.

Pushed. beyond limits. confused, why do i have to prove myself? sit the fuck back down. everythings ok. Thank you. Jesse Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying about what? WTF?
MAD. Prove. Confused again. WHAT? what...I've been lying to myself...
I'm vulnerable. not as strong as I front. I didn't even know i had a front. realization. hot tears. i get it. i get it. I miss you. and thats ok.
July 18th 2007 wasn't sure if it would hurt. it was a great day. one year. free.

lazy tony day

last night - 2 pitchers of margaritas, porn shop game,long subway rides, shut eye til 1 today...diner, 2 eggs, rye toast, cornbeef hash, orange juice. shop. harry potter chamber of secrets. can't wait for the new one. yawn. procrastinate, its what i'm best at. follow the spiders ron and harry. amara's laughing. bevin's typing. hmm tap tomorrow. itchy leg. sleepy blue couch. phone call. pizza, harry potter and the goblet of fire, tonys, laundry. lazzyyyy tony sunday.


conflicted. as always. maybe she's right. maybe it would be better. for me. o where for art thou? for fuckin real already. lol. i was patient and then it took too long. anya puts it best.

sometimes its on the surface, the skin, hot & sweaty, the intoxicating rush and plummeting thrill. the danger, the hunt. sometimes i try digging deeper, not finding anything but old roots that are forbidden to unearth. sometimes nothing is there at all. empty shells surround me. trying to find it in the wrong places. it. it. that. all wrong. theres no time. yet all there is is time. conficted. drop it. let go. its breakable i reply unsure of myself. i find myself again and again. right where i started. shit. for real?

MSM

2nd Week into the Manhattan School of Music Professional Music Theatre Workshop. Things are getting pretty intense here. The faculty has really inspired me to do my best work. Classes with Paul Gemignani have been informing, intense, emotional and eye opening. I really don't even know how to put into words what i'm feeling right now. I saw Mary Poppins with Ashley Brown (fierce btw) and 110 in the Shade. Audra is def my #1 hero right now.

ON the 1. sippin jamba


Me and Amara in H&M


Me Matty and Anna.

ps Matty snores. UGH.

danced out.

ok so i lied to my parents about where i was going last night. not to Laura's but to latin night at woody's hahah. i totally felt like a majority last night. hmm.... i haven't danced that much since music man rehearsals ugghh....i learned some new dances though from Andre. okkkk...so lets talk about my insecurities cause i realize i have a lot and they come out when i drink. i generally flirt with anyone who shows any interest or gives me the time of day. APALLING. THAT has to stop. ha. it was good to see a few familiar faces and to meet some new people, but i still walked away feeling like clubbing isn't really my scene unless i'm with a bunch of my friends and for only a few hours not the whole night.

schools out, it was sad to leave. auditioned at manhattan school of music for the theatre program. senior showcase = love. soo talented. i love and will miss them all. phone rings door chimes in comes my acceptance phone call to the program! i'm so excited.
SPLASH - music theatre night. fun until about 1 am. drunk people. stupid drama. small nap at cris' apartment up at 5. subway. train. dinky. walk 93185704857 blocks to d lot. car. sleeeeeepppp at Aaron's. car, njtransit, r7. car. HOME.

ahhhhhh. i got a job through Julia at Botanical Expressions. how gayyyyy. its a cute lil store. fun people. planting, delivering, water. deadhead. RICH ASS CLIENTS. beautiful houses. i don't want to steal from the houses i just want to walk around and roll around in their house. jump on the beds and peek in their fridge. dreams are dreams jesse. :)

ok, nuff posting, Jasmine's on her way to pick me up......Atlantic City HERE I COME!!!

I will be.

my dress rehearsal last night went really well. i few word mix ups like always but its all good.

my life sorta flashed before me in the shower this morning. i'm fine. i'm healthy. i've done some stupid unsafe stuff that i'm not proud of. little things kept flashing through my mind. scalding water. tears. sigh. happy. laugh. LAUGH. fuck. its alll good.

other things have been becoming clear. things are falling into place and an understanding of where i fit in and matter... and even don't matter, are finally sinking in. every insecurity has vanished. i sound like i'm on drugs. well sorta. but for real. just lots of awakenings.

HEROES WAS AMAZINGGGG!!