invincible....

we think we are. we're not. a westminster student died yesterday morning.it was one of us. we sang. we all sang and held hands. choir was a mess. FUCK the press, FUCK the helicopters. i sat next to him a few times in composition. he was a alive. here. and now he's gone. all i keep thinking about how he's never gonna brush his teeth again or tie his shoes or laugh, or cry. life can be taken away in an instant. an entire world gone. death is looming over the campus. may he find peace. it's knocked a lot of sense into me. the desires to try new substances have been stamped. find a new high. like frolicking in the battlefields at night with new friends. the stars. the air.
i've never felt so mortal, so HUMAN. we all feel that invincibility at times, like something like this could never happen to us. but it can, it did. RIP justin.

wake the fuck up

Perspective. refreshed. I've stopped pessimissing everywhere. I'm not that guy that won't find love. I just need to stop looking and let it find me.
LBR WAKE UP REALITY CHECK
the one thing i hate about those is how condescending she gets. just talk to me as another adult. I'm not four. [even though i may look it] I heard everything she said and shes right. I'm not working hard enough with my voice. [or school for that matter but lets not board that sinking ship]
"check your posture"
"sorry"
Mommy and Daddy came this past weekend. I have a new beautified room that i've been nesting in for the last 3 days. I love my stars.
"I don't ever want to remind you again to BREATHE"
neither do i....

Reality Bites.

diet pepsi max has more caffine? maybe thats why i'm so perky today" - Nova

I feel like i'm constantly climbing up thought ladders in the harmonies of life only to find empty bottles. HAHA thought ladders.

Oceans of emotions make me feel so gross and create to much drama in my life. Feeling at people again. Sorry i'm sorry so sorry.

Slap me into reality outta my fantasy. no ones coming. you'll find someone don't worry you're such a great guy....STOP!

What if i don't find anyone. what if he doesn't exist? Reality. I'm young, impatient but time isn't going any slower. Reality. ever since i was in middle school i knew i'd eventually settle down have a wonderful long career, 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl, a loving crazy super and sometimes stupid husband...its all dreams. wishes. Reality bites. I feel alone. and i HATE it.

ready to be ready.

back. here. again. senior. i'm not afraid. ok maybe a little. coming back has been...interesting to say the least. My room is already home though. Big Lynn would probably say "it looks like a cyclone hit your room... or what a pig sty...." its always about connections when we get back. for everyone. testing the waters. how was your summer? and yours? hug. kiss. drink. laugh. break the ice. and then leaving people back at home. unfinished business. not ready for it to end. for it to begin. not ready. but then again. i've never been so ready. i hope i can hold onto everything i've learned this summer.

end of the summer party. SO many people. waiting for the pictures to come up in the mini feed. i know you all are. ha.

my friends update: Monica and Chandler got engaged. I wanna be engaged.

reflect

intoxicated. who would have guessed. 2 tests. kill me. soo early. for real who is awake this early and WHY? carlo rossi. 2 buck chuck you do me well. "old maid" seems to be my theme song along with "soda shop" and "half boyfriend" can't stop listening to them. 'ohh god don't let me, live and die alooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeee.' its so hard to not connect to that song.

i miss new york. going out. barhopping club jumping? um. i felt so free there and feel WAY cooped up here. went completely broke there but whatev. miss the msm bitches for real. here's to you all.

once upon a time...

aren't those supposed to be new beginnings...? well this one sucks so far. new boys. new drama. 26 years old and i'm already falling into a trap. shouldn't you be over this phase. you think i'm playing but i'm testing the waters. trusting isn't number one on my list right now. if you're looking for more than a fuck, then prove it. TALK to me. ironic, cause right now you're all talk.

angela's pool party. drunk swimming eh baby eh baby. anthony. same old page. next day. 35 minutes turned into 4 hours. njersey. 50 dollars. mcdonalds. kill me. ugh. good times.

epiphany

flashes, hot flashes.
MSM - still processing. step step hop fuhlap ball change.
I talked to Bevin the otherday. same page, still processing. reeling.

Pushed. beyond limits. confused, why do i have to prove myself? sit the fuck back down. everythings ok. Thank you. Jesse Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying about what? WTF?
MAD. Prove. Confused again. WHAT? what...I've been lying to myself...
I'm vulnerable. not as strong as I front. I didn't even know i had a front. realization. hot tears. i get it. i get it. I miss you. and thats ok.
July 18th 2007 wasn't sure if it would hurt. it was a great day. one year. free.

lazy tony day

last night - 2 pitchers of margaritas, porn shop game,long subway rides, shut eye til 1 today...diner, 2 eggs, rye toast, cornbeef hash, orange juice. shop. harry potter chamber of secrets. can't wait for the new one. yawn. procrastinate, its what i'm best at. follow the spiders ron and harry. amara's laughing. bevin's typing. hmm tap tomorrow. itchy leg. sleepy blue couch. phone call. pizza, harry potter and the goblet of fire, tonys, laundry. lazzyyyy tony sunday.


conflicted. as always. maybe she's right. maybe it would be better. for me. o where for art thou? for fuckin real already. lol. i was patient and then it took too long. anya puts it best.

sometimes its on the surface, the skin, hot & sweaty, the intoxicating rush and plummeting thrill. the danger, the hunt. sometimes i try digging deeper, not finding anything but old roots that are forbidden to unearth. sometimes nothing is there at all. empty shells surround me. trying to find it in the wrong places. it. it. that. all wrong. theres no time. yet all there is is time. conficted. drop it. let go. its breakable i reply unsure of myself. i find myself again and again. right where i started. shit. for real?

MSM

2nd Week into the Manhattan School of Music Professional Music Theatre Workshop. Things are getting pretty intense here. The faculty has really inspired me to do my best work. Classes with Paul Gemignani have been informing, intense, emotional and eye opening. I really don't even know how to put into words what i'm feeling right now. I saw Mary Poppins with Ashley Brown (fierce btw) and 110 in the Shade. Audra is def my #1 hero right now.

ON the 1. sippin jamba


Me and Amara in H&M


Me Matty and Anna.

ps Matty snores. UGH.

danced out.

ok so i lied to my parents about where i was going last night. not to Laura's but to latin night at woody's hahah. i totally felt like a majority last night. hmm.... i haven't danced that much since music man rehearsals ugghh....i learned some new dances though from Andre. okkkk...so lets talk about my insecurities cause i realize i have a lot and they come out when i drink. i generally flirt with anyone who shows any interest or gives me the time of day. APALLING. THAT has to stop. ha. it was good to see a few familiar faces and to meet some new people, but i still walked away feeling like clubbing isn't really my scene unless i'm with a bunch of my friends and for only a few hours not the whole night.

schools out, it was sad to leave. auditioned at manhattan school of music for the theatre program. senior showcase = love. soo talented. i love and will miss them all. phone rings door chimes in comes my acceptance phone call to the program! i'm so excited.
SPLASH - music theatre night. fun until about 1 am. drunk people. stupid drama. small nap at cris' apartment up at 5. subway. train. dinky. walk 93185704857 blocks to d lot. car. sleeeeeepppp at Aaron's. car, njtransit, r7. car. HOME.

ahhhhhh. i got a job through Julia at Botanical Expressions. how gayyyyy. its a cute lil store. fun people. planting, delivering, water. deadhead. RICH ASS CLIENTS. beautiful houses. i don't want to steal from the houses i just want to walk around and roll around in their house. jump on the beds and peek in their fridge. dreams are dreams jesse. :)

ok, nuff posting, Jasmine's on her way to pick me up......Atlantic City HERE I COME!!!