reflect

intoxicated. who would have guessed. 2 tests. kill me. soo early. for real who is awake this early and WHY? carlo rossi. 2 buck chuck you do me well. "old maid" seems to be my theme song along with "soda shop" and "half boyfriend" can't stop listening to them. 'ohh god don't let me, live and die alooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeee.' its so hard to not connect to that song.

i miss new york. going out. barhopping club jumping? um. i felt so free there and feel WAY cooped up here. went completely broke there but whatev. miss the msm bitches for real. here's to you all.

once upon a time...

aren't those supposed to be new beginnings...? well this one sucks so far. new boys. new drama. 26 years old and i'm already falling into a trap. shouldn't you be over this phase. you think i'm playing but i'm testing the waters. trusting isn't number one on my list right now. if you're looking for more than a fuck, then prove it. TALK to me. ironic, cause right now you're all talk.

angela's pool party. drunk swimming eh baby eh baby. anthony. same old page. next day. 35 minutes turned into 4 hours. njersey. 50 dollars. mcdonalds. kill me. ugh. good times.

epiphany

flashes, hot flashes.
MSM - still processing. step step hop fuhlap ball change.
I talked to Bevin the otherday. same page, still processing. reeling.

Pushed. beyond limits. confused, why do i have to prove myself? sit the fuck back down. everythings ok. Thank you. Jesse Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying about what? WTF?
MAD. Prove. Confused again. WHAT? what...I've been lying to myself...
I'm vulnerable. not as strong as I front. I didn't even know i had a front. realization. hot tears. i get it. i get it. I miss you. and thats ok.
July 18th 2007 wasn't sure if it would hurt. it was a great day. one year. free.

lazy tony day

last night - 2 pitchers of margaritas, porn shop game,long subway rides, shut eye til 1 today...diner, 2 eggs, rye toast, cornbeef hash, orange juice. shop. harry potter chamber of secrets. can't wait for the new one. yawn. procrastinate, its what i'm best at. follow the spiders ron and harry. amara's laughing. bevin's typing. hmm tap tomorrow. itchy leg. sleepy blue couch. phone call. pizza, harry potter and the goblet of fire, tonys, laundry. lazzyyyy tony sunday.


conflicted. as always. maybe she's right. maybe it would be better. for me. o where for art thou? for fuckin real already. lol. i was patient and then it took too long. anya puts it best.

sometimes its on the surface, the skin, hot & sweaty, the intoxicating rush and plummeting thrill. the danger, the hunt. sometimes i try digging deeper, not finding anything but old roots that are forbidden to unearth. sometimes nothing is there at all. empty shells surround me. trying to find it in the wrong places. it. it. that. all wrong. theres no time. yet all there is is time. conficted. drop it. let go. its breakable i reply unsure of myself. i find myself again and again. right where i started. shit. for real?

MSM

2nd Week into the Manhattan School of Music Professional Music Theatre Workshop. Things are getting pretty intense here. The faculty has really inspired me to do my best work. Classes with Paul Gemignani have been informing, intense, emotional and eye opening. I really don't even know how to put into words what i'm feeling right now. I saw Mary Poppins with Ashley Brown (fierce btw) and 110 in the Shade. Audra is def my #1 hero right now.

ON the 1. sippin jamba


Me and Amara in H&M


Me Matty and Anna.

ps Matty snores. UGH.

danced out.

ok so i lied to my parents about where i was going last night. not to Laura's but to latin night at woody's hahah. i totally felt like a majority last night. hmm.... i haven't danced that much since music man rehearsals ugghh....i learned some new dances though from Andre. okkkk...so lets talk about my insecurities cause i realize i have a lot and they come out when i drink. i generally flirt with anyone who shows any interest or gives me the time of day. APALLING. THAT has to stop. ha. it was good to see a few familiar faces and to meet some new people, but i still walked away feeling like clubbing isn't really my scene unless i'm with a bunch of my friends and for only a few hours not the whole night.

schools out, it was sad to leave. auditioned at manhattan school of music for the theatre program. senior showcase = love. soo talented. i love and will miss them all. phone rings door chimes in comes my acceptance phone call to the program! i'm so excited.
SPLASH - music theatre night. fun until about 1 am. drunk people. stupid drama. small nap at cris' apartment up at 5. subway. train. dinky. walk 93185704857 blocks to d lot. car. sleeeeeepppp at Aaron's. car, njtransit, r7. car. HOME.

ahhhhhh. i got a job through Julia at Botanical Expressions. how gayyyyy. its a cute lil store. fun people. planting, delivering, water. deadhead. RICH ASS CLIENTS. beautiful houses. i don't want to steal from the houses i just want to walk around and roll around in their house. jump on the beds and peek in their fridge. dreams are dreams jesse. :)

ok, nuff posting, Jasmine's on her way to pick me up......Atlantic City HERE I COME!!!

I will be.

my dress rehearsal last night went really well. i few word mix ups like always but its all good.

my life sorta flashed before me in the shower this morning. i'm fine. i'm healthy. i've done some stupid unsafe stuff that i'm not proud of. little things kept flashing through my mind. scalding water. tears. sigh. happy. laugh. LAUGH. fuck. its alll good.

other things have been becoming clear. things are falling into place and an understanding of where i fit in and matter... and even don't matter, are finally sinking in. every insecurity has vanished. i sound like i'm on drugs. well sorta. but for real. just lots of awakenings.

HEROES WAS AMAZINGGGG!!

My Junior Recital!!!

NOT a fan.

rules, regulations, lines, borders whatever, they need to be set because they were crossed or broken, choose your own metaphor whatev. maybe mixing the ex with the current isn't the best idea. disrespected in my own room. i had to bite my tongue and step on my own foot to stop myself from letting anything come out. one, get out of my room. two get out of my room. three, PLEASE disrespect me AND my roomate and four get out of my room. i had my tequila for the night and i apologized for overreacting. but i don't owe anything to anyone. sorry for over reacting , its ok can i still come? yeah i'm overdramatic. NOT a fan. we'll work through it though. we always do. channeling a seafish.

still not finding any recital clothes. why can't we have an h&m around here?? recital recital recital. she LOVED the edges number and Anytime. It felt really good singing with Meg, Chris, and Yenna. We sound a lot better than last year. i'm really excited. very nervous. a bit sick. kinda fat. hmmm. Carl and I have started QAF night. YAY.

i wish i was a genetically-enhanced super soldier spliced with feline DNA and a bar code on my neck. THEN i would show people who's boss.

running around in circles

1st things 1st. recital date changed YET again. ugh. you're killing me poulenc.

Patterns, circles, spirals. right back at the beginning. square one. again and again. i feel like all i'm doing is running around and around going right back to the place i DON'T want to be. i can't help but feel constantly replaced again and again by something "better". and maybe i'm holding myself up too high. it has nothing to do with replacing. it just still is weird. it bothers. itches. hurts. and thats only one of the reasons i pull away. i pull away from everyone when they get involved. i can't help it. and maybe thats the best thing for me right now. to deal. i DO have to worry about me. i can't figure out why this gets to me so much sometimes. a power struggle within myself, that i'm definitely tired and worn out from fighting. however i'm not the only one pulling away. finding themselves. yet again. everyone might be tired of reading hearing listening about this. well i'm WAY more tired of it. why am i writing about it then....you might ask. just trying to make sense of what is JESSE. can some one explain him to me?? i'd love to know.